Behind the Scenes with Lea and Cory
by gluon
Summary: Lea and Cory read a script and discuss Glee.  Not suitable for small children and those who believe what they read in celebrity interviews.


RACHEL: Don't you _want_ to?

FINN: I do _want_ to, very much. You _know_ I do. But I don't want it to be like my last time. I want it to be right; I want it to be perfect because it's _you_.

RACHEL: Thank you, Finn. I love you for that. But I'm ready, I feel right. Will it be perfect? We can't know until we try. I'm told the first time for a couple is never perfect anyway.

FINN: I'm not sure _I_ feel right. I'm not sure I know what right is.

RACHEL: Am I not physically attractive to you? I know I'm not pretty like Quinn, but I'm not ugly.

FINN: Of course I'm physically attracted to you. You just have to look at me to see how attracted I am to you right now. It's just that I'm afraid I might lose you if you end up regretting it and hating me for pressuring you.

RACHEL: But you're _not _pressuring me. _I'm_ doing the pressuring.

FINN: That's what you say _now_. If it doesn't work out, then what? You could dump me. I don't want to chance that. Let's go to third base a few more times, then I think I'll feel right about it.

LEA: This is fucking ridiculous. They're making _me_ into a cunt and _you_ into a pussy.

CORY: You're right. It's one thing being a lovable doofus, another to _refuse_ to fuck Rachel Berry.

LEA: Do our writers not have the slightest idea what goes on in high schools these days?

CORY: High schools? What about middle schools? Half the girls swallow.

LEA: The other half spit. What's your preference?

CORY: As long as they make it happen, I don't give a shit what they do with it.

LEA: Always the gentleman, eh Monteith? But, what's Ryan's rationale? In the real world, a couple like ours would be fucking in a closet between classes.

CORY: I think they're trying to keep you pure but sexually tense and keep me sweet and available for teenage girls, gay boys, and married women to masturbate to, fantasizing it's them I really love. Set a good example for middle-class white America, our demographic.

LEA: Yeah. The Oh. My. God. demographic. But wouldn't teenage boys get off faster if Rachel were sexually active? Wouldn't that give them more time to study and make the US more competitive in the global economy?

CORY: No. They would get off faster when they did it, but they would do it more often. It's a wash.

LEA: You may have dropped out of high school, but you sure know how to sweet-talk a lady.

CORY: If I couldn't do that, I couldn't have been a Wal-Mart greeter.

LEA: Did you ever get to fuck some of the hotter customers?

CORY: Have you ever seen Wal-Mart's customers?

LEA: I've been one. I may be rich now, but I didn't grow up rich. Would you have tried to fuck _me _then?

CORY: When you were in high school? I've seen your yearbook picture. No.

LEA: You bastard. I would've done _you_.

CORY: A goy Wal-Mart greeter? I doubt it. So what's happening in your negotiations with Ryan about Rachel's image?

LEA: Well, as you know, the season started off a bloody mess. My agent and I wanted Rachel darker to boost our Golden Globe and Emmy chances. It certainly worked for Collette, Falco, and Jane.

CORY: Tina Fay wasn't dark.

LEA: She had Baldwin. No offense. And she wrote her own lines. Anyhoo, they had Rachel send that tiny Filipino bitch to a crack house? Me, I would have shot that little twat in the head and sunk the lead-filled body in Lake Erie. I didn't mind Rachel acting as an accessory to homicide or rape, but I didn't like her being made stupid. After all, what good would it do to get Sunshine to miss an audition? A Will Schuester would always have given her another chance. And how could anyone possibly believe that the audition would be held anywhere but in McKinley where the band and glee members were and which had an auditorium and a choir room? IT MADE NO FUCKING SENSE WHATSOEVER! Sending her on a snipe hunt would have been more plausible. Then they gave me a great Broadway ballad to close – I killed it vocally, but the entire effect was destroyed because it takes a Harvard poetry professor to explain how the lyrics can be interpretively stretched to connect to the story. I wanted dark, but what I got was dark and stupid. Now everybody hates me and all the teenage boys are jerking off to Santana and her invisible boob job. What's worst of all, there are now people who think Rachel would be afraid of a dwarf with no high notes who can't act. She sang Beyonce _Dreamgirls_, for chrissake; let them make Mercedes afraid. Amber was pissed she didn't get some juicy scenes out of it. If Mercedes had been the one who sent the obnoxious midget to the crack house, the entire Asian-American community, the NAACP, the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton, all of cable news, and millions of humorless sanctimonious liberals would have been up in arms and our ratings would have shot up. Isn't that what it's all about? And I could have sung _People_ at the end to bring everyone together and show how caring and sociable Rachel really is underneath her neurotic exterior.

CORY: It sucks to be you. So what now? How do you get them to redeem Rachel? Join Sandy at the animal shelter on Saturday mornings? At least that would fit in with the kitten-saving BS.

LEA: Fuck you, you gorgeous, semi-literate Canuck. Those kittens were real. No, now Rachel needs to save a human or two.

CORY: Let Mercedes have the big solo at Nationals? Just kidding.

LEA: You'd better be, or I'll get you deported back to your British Columbia hellhole on the grounds you're likely to become a burden to the community. No, I'm considering a more modest outreach to Rachel's colleagues. Maybe like having her give a solo concert at Carnegie Hall to raise money for glee costumes and a professional choreographer. Just partially kidding. Maybe getting Sunshine to come back. Completely kidding. Actually, we've suggested having Rachel take an active but completely anonymous role in successful matchmaking for Kurt and Mercedes and having her propose an Invitationals fund-raiser in which she declines any solos.

CORY: That might work. At least it could help get the gay half of our demographic off your back. What about having Rachel and Finn get it on? Any chance?

LEA: We keep pushing it. That reminds me, do you have a pen? I want to make some notes on this god-awful script.

CORY: It's in my pants. I'll go get it.

The End


End file.
